Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance. Thomas Morton
Some people believe that happiness is only something they can find if they follow the right path. Like others, I personally thought feeling fulfilled in life would only come if I completed all those “goals” that I created for myself along the way, like successful job, finishing education, beautiful family and safe, happy home in a nonviolent neighborhood, friends and helping others in some capacity.
To me, happiness includes finding and working on something that makes you happy. Things like being there for others forming a loving relationship whether it be with a partner, your child, a pet or close friend. It can also be something smaller that makes you happy. Listening to music, taking a walk with a friend, going out or reading an awesome book, can all be serene sources of joy in the simplest forms. Happiness is not about material possessions, but rather about appreciating the present moment, and being thankful for what we do have. For me, happiness is spending quality time with my family and friends, creating beautiful memories together.I also like to dedicate my time to collecting donations for our veterans and homeless people. Or, in our case now, looking at pictures of “yesteryear” trying to figure out how our baby can be a senior in high school and our oldest has two beautiful babies of her own, both under two!
Happiness is…
The meaning of happiness varies from person to person. Happiness may be personal past and present memories you add to your own story that bring amazing relief and comfort, not only to yourself, but maybe even other people experiencing similarities. Others consider happiness when they can purchase something they have wanted for a while, my favorites are seeing my family smile and making other people’s day. For another person, it could be finally getting that meal that they haven’t been able to in days because they didn’t have money for food, or they found out they were approved for subsidized housing, and they are experiencing that feeling of relief that they haven’t been able to feel for some time.
Some personal memories I have of those “little things that tug at your heartstrings” are my daughter picking a dandelion after it turns white and she would pick it, called it “pitty” and blew a wish. Another memory that brings happiness is when she started dancing to “Dancing Queen” by Abba, with her hands on her shoulder, calling it “The Buckle Dance”. She continued dancing and grabbed my husband to dance with her showing him the “right way” to do it, each step of the way. Another one of the countless memories is her graduation day. I was so proud of her!
Another experience was when my husband and I were trying to purchase our first home. The anticipation of waiting for the real estate agents and the banks was trying, especially with a little one and another one the way. I can just imagine how tedious it was for my husband as well. He was dealing with work, as I was, a pregnant wife and a toddler, in addition to the house stressors. But in the long run, we got the house and here we are 17 years later. I just wish we could work together as a society and help it be easier for our homeless people who need a place to call home, food, and gainful employment. Please see our website under WOW for more information on this year’s donation.
A few years later, there was the time we taught our son to crawl, and the most unlikely thing helped him along. He liked to chase after an empty Dunkin Donuts coffee cup because he could click the top back and forth. “Offee up” as he crawled to the cup across the blanket! He didn’t crawl long before he was happy as can be, making us smile and giggle as he pulled himself up on the couch and started walking! Remembering these and so many more memories is to me what says, it truly is not about the number of toys, brand name clothes, material possessions or achievements a child has. Rather it seems more about realizing and appreciating those precious, present moments and time you spend with those special people. In other words, living in the present, loving and appreciating those around you and helping others when we can. Always be grateful for what we have, because before we know it, it’s all memories.
If you’re feeling dissatisfied with your life as it is, pick one thing and think of ways to change it!! Are you children going off to college, leaving you an empty nester or starting a family of their own. What if you were to find a hobby you enjoyed, put more time into doing things with your spouse or you can do on your own around the house. When you adjust your thought patterns and reassure yourself your kiddos are going to be great, wherever they go, can lead to deeper happiness. Obsessive, or intrusive thoughts on the other hand, can lead you down a winding path of strange, horrific, and unneeded thoughts. Listening to all the news broadcasts, social media outlets can seriously increase your chances, Of not only depression but anxiety as well. Try imagining what life is going to be like when they truly grow up, or even when the grandkids grow up, think about all the memories they can have with you as they do.
There are so many scenarios that the brain comes up with when you are anxious, worried, scared or even concerned. Countless people are having trouble keeping up with bills, feeding their family, or even just themselves because prices for everything are so ridiculously high. Wages stay the same while everything else has skyrocketed.
Other things going through my mind are, will couples, including my husband and I be one of those couples who grow old together, or those that break up after all the children have left the house. If you notice a significant change in your relationship after the children leave, compromise, work together, do fun things and give each other time to work things out. You might be surprised at what you find.
Your mind does some bizarre things to you when your feelings are out of whack, and you are worrying too much.
Some thoughts I get that are more difficult to solve are things like after all the years I spent in school, bachelor’s degree, master’s degree would I ever find that promising job and truly be able to make a difference in others’ lives, and still be able to pay our bills, help our children or others.
The more I thought about it, the more things I came up with, the more I tried to cling to the traditional symbols of happiness, family, love, connection, challenges and happy times, just to name a few. The more I realized they really were some of my markers, It was as if I had been walking in someone else’s path. I was thinking the whole chasing an idea of happiness that didn’t belong to me, but it did.
Happiness can only be completed by the person looking for it, no one else can give you happiness. Grant it, family is always the main part of that story that adds to your happiness, a spouse, children, friends, a safe home for all of you to build all those memories. Anything you want to accomplish, complete your hopes for your family’s future, whether education, extra-curricular, or other area that makes you feel successful. Again, none of these mentioned can fulfill what you are looking for, if you are not happy with yourself.
At first, the thought of this was a little painful as I had spent 16 years of my life, if not more, staying home with my children and working with them, attending to their activities, their homework and their successes. Yes, I attended school at night and online, but most of my days were spent driving to and from schools, attending games, teacher meetings, PTO meetings, school and girl scouts events, appointments, lunch dates and meetings like so many other stay at home parents, and I loved it all, but like so many moms and dads, it also came with a disadvantage to myself. When everything that had to be done and all those loved ones are being taken care of, we must find time for ourselves. Like the saying my grandma used to say, “you can’t pour from an empty pot”.
I raise the idea of self-care, because it is such a vital part of life for everyone to practice, but for parents, teachers, counselors, caretakers, and anyone else that dedicates most of their time to others. If you think you don’t have time for self-care, then you really need to make time.
Whether it’s taking a cool/warm shower, going in a room for a few minutes by yourself to decompress, listening to music, doing some exercises, getting a drink or a snack, talking with someone or just finding a corner to do some deep breathing in the moment.
Recognizing this disconnect and finding the balance between stress and calm can be uncomfortable and confusing at first, but between that and my accomplishments in my studies, they became the turning point in my journey of self-discovery. For ten years, I had been applying for employment, counseling, customer service etc. and nothing. No phone calls, emails and I felt like a true failure. I buried myself in everything my children and husband needed and have billions of loving memories from this, but that feeling like I wasn’t good enough for them was still present. I attended college with awesome professors to earn my bachelor’s degree in psychology with a minor in sociology, yet I still had this sickening feeling engrossed in my mind, wondering why I was not finding employment. I decided despite not being hired, I was going to continue my education and then went on for my master’s in clinical mental health counseling, yes, for me, but wanted my husband and children to be happy and proud of me.
During this period of fear, confusion and soul-searching, I found myself drawn to a resource that had been highly suggested through some mentors at school, meditation and personal journaling. I started walking at the local park, began the KETO diet, exercising at home and within a year, I lost 88 lbs. This hopefully promised attainment of a life-long dream of being and staying thinner, enlightenment, and personal growth. I was searching for deeper meaning, re-read my copy of Shakti Gawain’s, Creative Visualization and Vicktor Frankl’s Man Search for Meaning hoping that these philosophies might enlighten me a little bit with the answers I was desperately looking for. Knowing these “answers” were within me, but not sure how to practice them. With the anxiety I felt and unsure nature of expression, confusion was present. But what initially felt like a relief, fell through, quickly became something else. Rather than finding relief, understanding and peace, I became entwined in emotions of self-judgment, doubt, and fear. My anxiety was through the roof, I was constantly measuring myself against the kids’, my husband’s, school’s and employers expectations, whatever they were, and I found myself trying to be someone I wasn’t, losing sight of the person I had once known myself to be, and even the changes of self I was seeking. True happiness comes from within, in accepting who you are, as you are, despite what everyone else may think you should be or do. Now don’t take that the wrong way, having an amazing family is a blessing and brings happiness, friends bring happiness, pets bring happiness, but to truly be happy, you have to be satisfied and happy with yourself, even like yourself. Try doing this by maybe creating a journal that you can take 5-10m, it doesn’t need to be long, like I was talking about early and make a list of things you like about yourself, things you are good at, and then (no more than 5) a list of things you would like to work on or change. Accepting the faults and acknowledging the beautiful and encouraging positive attributes that you share with people every day. Now, just share them with yourself, try not to be so hard and judgmental against yourself. This process, and it is a long, requires hard-work, process which takes energy, self-confidence, determination, to create this positive habit and increase that confident self-esteem.
‘Me time’ is not selfish; it’s necessary.’ – Regina Hicks
However, despite having what I would call a happy life, just like so many, I found myself weighed down by a sort of emptiness, dissatisfaction, and sadness when I look at how my daughter went to college, and now has two of her own children, my son had excelled in his studies and was also going to graduate high school with plans to go to college. Our daughter now has two beautiful babies, close in age, their hope was that the children form a closer relationship. She was blessed with a beautiful boy first; he will be two in October, and their daughter was born in July of this year. We don’t see each other, we haven’t met our granddaughter, and only spent an hour or two with our grandson. It hurts deeply like no pain I have experienced before, I worry about all of them, all the time, but ultimately, it’s her choice and a true deficit for us and our grandchildren. That is one thing I keep in a different type of journal; I try to write daily telling my grandchildren my feelings and thoughts as well as talk about our days.
Like others I speak with, worry has been a huge part of my life, especially since becoming a mom and again as a grammy. I worry about our daughter, our sons and our grandchildren and their dads. They don’t understand it either, they get mad. Many times, my worry turns into ridiculous panic and family, especially my daughter and her boyfriend, do not understand why I say or do things. For example, our daughter didn’t call us before or after she delivered our grandson, we were not permitted to go to the hospital, and I seriously panicked about her. Well, I called the hospital and told them I was worried about her because I hadn’t heard anything and wanted to know what was going on with her and the baby. I am not sure what the nurse told her, but our daughter called back an hour later fuming that I called the hospital. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t let me get any words in. We haven’t spoken much since. I hope that changes soon.
So, for now I continue taking some of that worry and pain and put it into helping others in a more productive way. For many years now, that source is Wishes for Warriors. This is an organization where we collect clothes, socks, shoes, hats, gloves, tents, blankets, hygiene products like toothbrushes, rain ponchos, toothpaste, and shampoo. We also collect canned foods, bowls, plastic spoons, forks and anything else that you can think of. We give these things to either people on the streets in a drawstring bag, or local agencies who help displaced people who are out there on the streets with little to no belongings, hungry and wearing the same clothing every day.
I was truly driven to find the means to help them, even if it was only a few handfuls of people at a time. As I try to cling to the idea of helping everyone on the street, come up with more ideas on how to assist them, it seems to become an even loftier goal for one person to achieve. Please Help:
However, if more people would help by donating, whether by store gift cards for places like WAWA, grocery stores, Walmart, fast food places, or the supplies on the Wishes for Our Warriors page on Lifeofpretty.com, we could help SO MANY people. Not only would we be providing essential things for people in need but imagine the feelings you would be experiencing when you realized you helped someone get food, a new set of clothes or shoes, maybe even a blanket or blow-up mattress they could sleep on instead of a hard park bench or the ground. This would truly make me happy to make this possible, with the help of so many other caring people. WE could provide much needed things for so many people…give us another reason to smile…help them smile. Please check out the list and help us this year by donating to WOW—Wishes for Our Warriors—your generosity and altruism is greatly appreciated.
How does a city close three homeless shelters and then tell those who depend on that housing, they cannot be in the public parks or on the public streets. Their homes, even though temporary, were taken away with little notice, and they do what they have to do to survive. If more help was made available to them, would we need to worry about them being on the streets? Providing detox as needed, counseling, housing, food and clothing may seem like an exorbitant amount of finances, but when we put people over things first, there is always a way to make things happen.
Seeing so many people with such great need makes me appreciate everyone and thing I have in my life and want to help others more. I wonder what this election will bring to these people in need and how it will ultimately impact them. I thought, regularly, after all the years I have spent in school, I will find that promising job and truly be able to make a difference in people’s lives. The more I considered it, the more ideas I came up with, the more I tried to cling to the more accepted symbols of happiness. Not comparing my path to others, but more like having that strong determination to accomplish the goals I set for myself, while raising our children, keeping a close relationship with my husband, and giving to those in need of a little altruism and passion.
